‘Cockuterie boards’ exist and they’re made right here in the GTA

Today in “things your grandma wouldn’t approve of,” we present to you the most ridiculous take on a cheese platter you’ve ever seen. Appropriately called Cockuterie Boards, these suggestive snack boards are perfect for those with a dirty sense of humour.

One look at the Cockuterie Board’s website tells you that the creator, 25-year-old Roee Dunkelman of Thornhill, is in on the joke. There’s an entire hilarious backstory about how these boards came to be, including a fateful trip to the grocery store where Dunkelman “became a Cocksmith.”

The boards are made from “rock hard Canadian maple” and come in two versions — the 24-inch Sheriff and the 14.5-inch Deputy.

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According to the descriptions, the boards are treated with a food-safe coating, then “hand-rubbed, oiled, and finished because really, there is just no other way.” We blush!

The website even suggests all of the occasions where the Cockuterie Boards might be a hit, including but not limited to bachelorette parties, brisses, gender reveals, “and phallic celebrations of all varieties.”

If you can’t get enough of these phallic platters, you can even get a coaster-sized version for your coffee table, or use it as a trivet or salt and pepper shaker holder. Plus, each coaster comes with a free engraving — a Valentine’s Day gift perhaps?

These bad boys don’t come cheap, either. The larger board costs $149, the smaller is $90, and the coasters are $25 each. But hey, at least you know it can last a long time.

It seems that Torontonians have x-rated taste these days. A downtown pop-up selling NSFW waffles was so popular over the summer that it now has a permanent storefront on Queen West.

We give these entrepreneurs an A+ for having a wild imagination… or should we say D?